


something like that

by smokesque



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 5+1 Things, Fluff, Getting Together, Light Angst, M/M, One Shot, Pining, like suuuper light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 16:41:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8585974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokesque/pseuds/smokesque
Summary: Falling in love with Oikawa Tooru comes with a lot of firsts and one last. (Or something like that.)





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beatboxbmo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beatboxbmo/gifts).



> because it’s your fault i ended up so deep in this ship. (also because you talked about first kisses that one time.) happy birthday katoshi!!!
> 
> this also fits the 5+1 prompt which was accidental but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

+

The first time Oikawa sees Ushijima it’s only for a moment. They’re at the first volleyball tournament of middle school, in opposing brackets, and Oikawa’s team gets knocked out of the competition before they get a chance to play each other.

The first time Oikawa sees Ushijima it’s because Oikawa’s best friend points him out. _Top middle-schooler in the prefecture,_ he says or something like that. Ushijima gets that all the time. But that kind of thing doesn’t matter to Oikawa; that kind of thing is superficial. Or something like that.

The first time Oikawa sees Ushijima he looks right through him.

The first time Ushijima sees Oikawa something in his chest bottoms out.

+

Ushijima doesn’t understand a lot of things. Like why the Earth is tilted twenty-three degrees on its axis or why the position of the hydroxyl group changes the properties of an organic molecule or why any of that is relevant when all he wants to understand is the feeling of a leather-bound ball colliding with his palm.

He doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal that Shiratorizawa sent him an offer or why everyone is urging him to take it. He knows he’d win wherever he went – victory and he are old friends by this stage. But Ushijima doesn’t understand a lot of things and usually other people do, so he takes the offer and he goes to Shiratorizawa and it’s much the same as it would have been anywhere else.

But therein lies his confusion.

Because it isn’t.

When he meets Tendou Satori – wide eyes, loud voice, head-banging to a beat no one else can hear – he realises he understands even less things than he thought. Where others have always steered clear of Ushijima’s blunt statements and blank expressions, Tendou seems to gravitate towards them. He talks – _oh god does he talk_ – about a lot of things that Ushijima doesn’t understand but Ushijima is too caught up in the part where he has a friend to complain. And then the one friend Ushijima thought he’d found becomes two, then four, then a whole team’s worth. And volleyball, for the first time, becomes a team sport.

Ushijima is willing to admit that he has gaps in his understanding of the world. He knows that trying – no matter how hard he does – isn’t always enough to make up for them. But he soon finds out that Shiratorizawa is a school full of seamstresses and where the gaps overlap, they are quick to patch them up with needle and thread and faded denim. Ushijima becomes a patchwork quilt, sewn from the careful educating of his team. He is held together by stitches and fabric glue, and nothing has ever felt so sturdy.

It’s like Tendou says, the first time they eat lunch with the other first years on the team. Reon invites them – much to Semi’s disapproval – and Tendou starts talking before his shorts have even touched the grass. Ushijima expects someone to stop him (Semi probably, maybe even Yamagata). He’s seen it happen enough times before. But none of them do which is just another bullet point on the list of things Ushijima thinks he understands until he realises he doesn’t.

Tendou talks himself in circles – his favourite manga, volleyball, last night’s dinner, the special move he’s been working on, his favourite manga (again but with more hand gestures this time). And somehow Ushijima’s name makes its way into the mix. That’s when Tendou says something that occupies Ushijima’s mind for years after.

“Wakatoshi is a miracle waiting to happen. He hasn’t learnt how to burn yet, but that’s why he has us. We’re the stars in the galaxy until Wakatoshi learns to outshine the fucking sun.”

So Ushijima learns. He learns about things that aren’t the _bam, slam, whoosh_ of volleyball. He learns about things that don’t involve being the tallest or the fastest or the strongest. Mostly he learns about the spaces between everything else; the lapses in words and smiles that leave Ushijima wondering which memo he missed that everyone else seemed to pick up when they were a child. And finally he understands why Kitagawa Daiichi’s setter looked at him without really seeing all those years ago.

++

The first time Ushijima speaks to Oikawa there’s a three year gap in his memory of the setter. But he still recognises the wilting brown hair, the overly cheesy grin, the hand-on-hip stance that shouts confidence in his team’s ability. And his chest still caves in on itself like a house of cards one peace sign from collapse. Or something like that. Ushijima isn’t always sure how to articulate his feelings, but he resolves to ask Tendou after the match.

The first time Ushijima speaks to Oikawa his voice comes out gruffer than he expects. It shocks him into silence after one sentence and leaves the resounding echo hanging in the air. It clings his throat in a vice grip until his skin raises in goosebumps, though he can’t tell if that part is due to the lack of oxygen or the icy water pouring from Oikawa’s gaze.

The first time Ushijima speaks to Oikawa it’s colder than the showers he takes after practice on hot summer days. It’s like being preserved in ice, frozen mid-script until his lips turn blue and his eyes begin to water. It takes hours to thaw afterwards. Wrapped in a thousand and one layers of clothing, Ushijima flexes his fingers to get the blood flowing and unsticks his tongue from the roof of his mouth. His lips eventually gain some of their original colour and he feels a little less like everything he touches is going to freeze over on impact.

The first time Ushijima speaks to Oikawa all the words he wants to say get buried under an avalanche of panic and he barely squeezes a sentence out. He coughs against the spikes growing in his throat – thorns overgrown from years of waiting for this day – and they weave tighter together, blocking his airways and leaving him scrabbling for a single breath.

The first time Ushijima speaks to Oikawa it nigh on kills him.

++

There are a handful of things Ushijima cares about. Volleyball is at the top of the list, naturally, but it’s amongst other things that he is willing to spend time on. Agriculture classes for one (he’s content to use his downtime learning plant genera and researching growing conditions of different wild berries); probably whatever manga has currently captured Tendou’s interest for another (he isn’t sure about this one but he guesses that’s why he googles the plot and memorises the character design so he knows what Tendou is talking about the next day).

And somewhere on the list – a little further down (but not much) – is a setter from Aoba Johsai with a smile like sugared honey and a glare like wildfire. Ushijima thinks he might have been burning for the past three years.

Tendou tells him it’s love. And as much as Ushijima appreciates his best friend, he thinks that’s probably the last thing he wants to hear. He adds it to the list of things he doesn’t understand yet, but files it away under a subheading he dubs _Doesn’t Want to Understand_. But for all the unnecessary comments he makes, Tendou is still the only person Ushijima has to talk to about this with.

So Ushijima asks him what the first thing they said to each other was. If it drew Tendou into his web, by some miracle, Ushijima wants to believe it would work on Oikawa. But he doesn’t remember specifics about Tendou the way he does about Oikawa and he doesn’t know why that makes him feel so guilty. He sighs and mentally draws up another bullet point.

It turns out Tendou doesn’t remember either, though he makes a gallant effort to pretend it was something sappy. Ushijima laughs even though he wants to cry. Oikawa hasn’t looked at him since the spring tournament. Ushijima feels too hot under his collar without an icy gaze to cool him down.

+++

The first time Ushijima cries in front of Oikawa is after they’re first year of nationals and Shiratorizawa takes a hard loss in the second round. Ushijima is not prepared for it. He’d been under the impression Shiratorizawa was unbeatable, a team of gods among men. Or something like that. But they are torn down without even playing a full three sets. It’s worse than anyone told him it would be.

The first time Ushijima cries in front of Oikawa is accidental. He’s angry – at himself more than anything – and the tears come out in a heated rush before he can hold them back. He thinks of the third years who just lost their last match of high school. For some of them, it was their last ever match of volleyball. Ushijima thinks that’s just unfair. And apparently, so do his tear ducts.

The first time Ushijima cries in front of Oikawa they’re in Tokyo and Oikawa shouldn’t even be there. He has an exam that day, as he tells Ushijima later, but he wouldn’t miss Ushijima’s first national match for the world. It’s ridiculously touching in a way Ushijima didn’t know Oikawa could be. He doesn’t freeze under Oikawa’s stare this time. It could be the tears burning hot tracks down his cheeks, or it could be the way Oikawa’s hand brushes Ushijima’s shoulder and lights fires under his skin. Either way, Ushijima is no longer encased in an ice sculpture and somehow words come spilling out of their lips.

The first time Ushijima cries in front of Oikawa is synonymous with the first time they tell each other how they feel. Ushijima chokes on nothing and cries harder than ever. Oikawa, for the only time in their muddled relationship, is the least dramatic of the pair. It makes Ushijima smile days later when he thinks of the stardust trailing from the places their skin touched. He’s upset for too long but he’s also alive in the sweetest way imaginable. He thinks, maybe, Oikawa is smiling from his own desk in his own school mere miles away. Or something like that, he hopes.

+++

Ushijima enlists the entire group of soon-to-be-second-year Shiratorizawa volleyball club members for fashion advice. Reon had already picked the movie and Yamagata had suggested snacks, but Ushijima is sure he’ll need all the help he can get to find an outfit appropriate for his first date with the subject that has been occupying his thoughts for far too long. (Tendou sulks for almost the entire day when he finds out he wasn’t asked to recommend a movie but he brightens up considerably when Ushijima promises he’ll be in charge of choosing footwear.)

In the end, Semi is the only real help when it comes down to it. Tendou bangs on about how uncool Semi’s stylistic choices are, but personally Ushijima thinks the shirt and jeans he recommends are a perfect mixture of formal without trying too hard. Semi tosses in a loose fitting jacket for good measure and Tendou finally pulls his weight by picking out a reasonable pair of shoes to match. (His first choice of glittery pink heelies had been met with three scornful looks and one very confused frown.)

The way the other four wave him off from his front door is akin to a mother waving away her child leaving for the first day of school. Ushijima _feels_ like a child, palms sweaty and chest constricting with worry. What if Oikawa doesn’t like the way he’s dressed? What if Oikawa thinks the movie is boring? What if Oikawa wants to eat caramel popcorn and Ushijima is too scared to tell him he hates caramel and has to spend the rest of his life living a lie?

The worry is present throughout the entire movie ( _Should I hold his hand? / Am I eating too much of the popcorn? / Is this the lamest movie he’s ever seen or what?_ ) and Ushijima can barely swallow around it when they leave the cinema in silence because neither of them know what to say.

But when Oikawa smiles and sunshine radiates across the entire street, Ushijima finally feels at ease.

“Thanks for the movie, Ushiwaka-chan.”

His voice is a cool icy pole on the hottest day of summer and Ushijima blossoms at the nickname. Something blooms out of his chest and he swears he sees flowers shooting up from the cracks in the pavement underneath every step Oikawa takes.

They part ways with a soft hug, squeezing for slightly longer than Ushijima would have thought natural, and the sun sets across Ushijima’s vision in brilliant shades of pink. The walk home is slower than the one to the cinema and he spends it trying to settle on a name for whatever is making his heart swell. When he finally does, he’s at his front door and the traces of Oikawa’s hands still linger around his shoulders.

He’s _happy_.

(Or something like that.)

++++

The first time Ushijima kisses Oikawa it’s as uniform as the straights he hits through blocks as tall as mountain ranges. Except Oikawa isn’t raising his defence. Oikawa isn’t doing anything except rambling about something that Ushijima knows is important – he can practically _see_ the panic rising in Oikawa’s throat – but all Ushijima can do is think about how pink his lips are. They’re wet with spit and there’s a slight indent where his teeth must have been nagging recently and Ushijima cannot for the life of him recall what made Oikawa so worried.

The first time Ushijima kisses Oikawa it’s tender and slow and lasts only a moment. There’s no scrabbling of tongues, no fight for dominance, no gasping for air. It’s soft lips pressed together for barely a few seconds before Ushijima forgets why he thought this was a good idea.

The first time Ushijima kisses Oikawa he waits until Oikawa has talked himself to the edge of a cliff and grabs his wrist seconds before he manages to topple over the edge. Oikawa is building walls with his words, as they get smaller and smaller until only the tiniest whisper of his confession can seep through the cracks. _I think I’m a little bit in love, or something like that._

The first time Ushijima kisses Oikawa it comes after they’ve talked their way through Oikawa’s anxiety. Every piece of advice Ushijima has read in Tendou’s magazine articles is thrown straight out the window when he sees concern lacing Oikawa’s face. They talk themselves to an agreement, to the point where the creases on Oikawa’s forehead slowly melt into a smile, and finally Ushijima asks the question nagging the back of his mind.

The first time Ushijima kisses Oikawa there is silence beforehand, understanding and trust met with the nod Oikawa gives to confirm Ushijima’s request. Everything is tentative, hands and lips and breath ghosting over each other and moulding together in the middle where their corners meet. Ushijima feels safe in the bubble they create for that single moment and warmth trails him back home long after Oikawa’s lips have left their mark on his own.

++++

Returning to school for their second year is difficult. Ushijima doesn’t mind classes and he appreciates volleyball practice falling into a regular schedule, but he doesn’t appreciate the gap between Oikawa and him that neither can breach. They meet up when they can – weekends and after school when they’re not bogged down with assignments and club activities – but it’s nothing like summer in each other’s backyards, falling asleep under the stars.

Returning to volleyball is almost worse. Ushijima spent weeks familiarising himself with Oikawa’s setup and suddenly Semi’s tosses seem weak in comparison. Ushijima yearns for the tingling of his palm after spiking the ball that leaps from Oikawa’s fingertips and in it’s place finds only a gentle sting. They’re so out of sync that he gets benched for the first practice match they play. It’s a bad judgement on the captain’s behalf and the college team thrashes them with far too much ease. Semi gives him a funny look afterwards and the two don’t talk for the first fortnight of school. The other second years glance sympathetically between them, save for Tendou who chatters on through the awkwardness.

It’s Ushijima who breaks the silence with an apology. Tendou crows about character development – “Wakatoshi, this is your _redemption arc_!” – but Semi just smiles appreciatively and says it’s okay. Ushijima relaxes, though he didn’t know he was so tense about the situation in the first place.

It turns out Ushijima’s redemption arc is very much Oikawa-induced. Everything is easier to understand when Oikawa explains it and Ushijima starts to see things from an angle he thinks he should have learned long ago. Tendou is positively thrilled when Ushijima enjoys a movie they watch together and spends the night researching fan theories. He tells Ushijima Aoba Johsai’s setter is a better influence on him than they thought and Ushijima glows with pride.

Oikawa glows too, when Ushijima tells him about it on their date a week later. Ushijima thinks he could probably outshine any star in the sky. He tells Oikawa that too and Oikawa’s glow turns pink in time with his cheeks. It’s the only time Ushijima’s ever felt compelled to call something cute. The word suits Oikawa better than a fitted dress shirt.

+++++

The first time Ushijima lies to Oikawa it rolls off his tongue with far too much ease. It’s almost ridiculously trivial and Ushijima would like to blame the shoujo manga Tendou has been forcing under his nose recently, but he knows better than to deny his fault in the matter.

The first time Ushijima lies to Oikawa wouldn’t have been a problem if he hadn’t been so compelled to immediately follow it up with the truth. It slips out before he can stop himself and his tongue trips over an explanation that doesn’t come out quite right. He tells Oikawa that he wants to spike his sets forever, because in Tendou’s manga the characters are always talking about forever. As soon as the words spill over his lips he pulls them right back, mumbling about how he didn’t mean it and there are other setters who are just as good as Oikawa and he can’t betray Semi, or something like that. Needless to say, Oikawa is not impressed.

The first time Ushijima lies to Oikawa they fight over something so ridiculous it makes them laugh a year later. Oikawa is the one who cries this time, when he tries to put his fist through Ushijima’s bedroom wall. Ushijima doesn’t fully understand the anger (and that’s another thing for his ever growing list) but he does understand that it’s his fault.

The first time Ushijima lies to Oikawa he realises he never wants to do that again. He brushes away tears with a swipe of his thumb and lets Oikawa fall asleep on his chest after carefully worded apologies. But he knows he can’t swipe away the hurt coiling through every breath Oikawa takes in quite the same way.

The first time Ushijima lies to Oikawa he spends months making it up to him. Long after Oikawa has told him not to worry about it anymore, he continues to buy chocolates and bouquets and send reassuring texts. It feels wrong to claim Oikawa’s trust in their relationship when Ushijima knows he’s capable of breaking it down with a single sentence.

The first time Ushijima lies to Oikawa they build themselves back up from the biggest fight Ushijima has ever had with another person. It barely registers on Oikawa’s list – growing up with Iwaizumi has given him far too much experience – but it takes Ushijima a while to recover. They work through it together until Ushijima learns they can fight without hating each other. And his list of things he doesn’t understand suddenly seems to be diminishing in length.

+++++

Oikawa decides that what Ushijima needs is a physical copy of his mental list. Ushijima doesn’t understand why at first (ironically enough, that’s another dot point added) but he takes Oikawa’s idea home in his head and decides that, if Oikawa understands and Ushijima doesn’t, it’s probably worth trusting him. So he writes them all down on scrap paper from his mother’s study and brings them along when next he visits Oikawa. They go through the list together in a tent in Oikawa’s backyard. It’s longer than either of them had realised, but they discuss each point and Ushijima thinks maybe he understands things a little better.

The Shiratorizawa second years think he understands things a _lot_ better. Where they are all just needles, Oikawa is an entire sewing machine and Ushijima’s seams are pulled a little tighter every time they’re together.

Ushijima’s seventeenth birthday is the day they tie off the final stitch. Tendou talks Ushijima into hosting a party (if the small gathering he organises can be classified as that) and they all agree it wouldn’t be a party without Ushijima’s boyfriend.

Ushijima is reluctant to invite him, like he thinks Oikawa might refuse. Naturally, that doesn’t happen and the six of them spend the evening around a bonfire at Ushijima’s house. And somewhere between Truth or Dare questions and toasted marshmallows, Ushijima realises that he might just understand a lot more than anyone thinks he does.

+

The last time Ushijima folds himself into origami he only gets halfway done. He wakes up drenched in cold sweat in a way that he is far more used to than anyone should be. It’s instinct to curl in on himself, folding his edges along ruler-straight lines and snipping away corners that don’t fit into the outline of the shape he’s building out of his body. Pages and pages made from his skin – he’s a paper aeroplane, a butterfly, a crane. He’s every shape under the sun until the nightmares dissolve into wisps of smoke, until he is as blank as the sheets he folds himself into.

The last time Ushijima folds himself into origami he’s a wing away from a paper swan when his rhythmic movements are interrupted by hands catching his wrists and smoothing his hair back from his forehead, feather-light touches somehow everywhere all at once.

The last time Ushijima folds himself into origami it feels like coming home after a roundabout trip across the country. He can’t remember why it’s taken him seventeen years to find his way back. He holds an arrow in his chest, poised and ready to fire at any trespasser with the audacity to step too close. But Oikawa dismantles the bow with a gentle tap of his fingers and nothing more. Ushijima’s chest doesn’t bottom out the way it used to but he feels something expand within him, finally large enough to encompass everything he feels for Oikawa. He holds the feelings in his chest and the boy in his arms, and falls asleep without dreaming for the first time in seventeen years.

The last time Ushijima folds himself into origami the rough fingertips of Oikawa’s hands untuck his corners, smooth out his creases and bury him in ink until he is scribbles inside and out, born from the blank sheets he was never meant to contain himself to.

+


End file.
